Are you helping or are you over-helping? Emotionally healthy people know the difference. Because over-helping actually means you are offering help over what is needed. I do not want to be discouraging to all the helpers out there, but over-helping is not always more of a good thing and can actually be harmful to the development and maturity of another. So what is the difference? Here are some questions that might provide clarity: (*Note that I am not addressing emergencies here. And please remember that in a crisis situation to quickly assess for authenticity and safety as there are many who would use such an event to distract or disarm someone for their own advantage.)
To understand “need” it is helpful to understand the difference between a load and a burden. A load is something that a person is responsible to carry on their own. It may be uncomfortable, boring, unwanted, or tedious but it is manageable and is their responsibility to carry. On the other hand, burden is something that a person cannot or is not meant to carry alone. And when a person attempts to carry their own burden without help there is often a cost emotionally and/or physically. This opens up all kinds of questions and confusion at times. But basically it comes down to knowing the difference between a want and a need. A want is something you would like to have and a need is something that you need to have to have for either physical, spiritual or mental health. (For example we need clothing but we may want a certain brand of clothing. We need connection but we may want to be connected with certain people. We need purpose but we want others to recognize our work.) I have found that the problem for all those wonderful helpers out there is that they often have a difficult time distinguishing between a want and a need. Sometimes it is because it requires an assessment of the situation that may feel “judgy.” But most often it is because the other person is presenting their wants as a need. Either because the other person has a distorted or entitled view of what a need is or that they are trying to pass along their responsibility to another. They will even use the word “need” in place of the more accurate word “want.” But just because the word “need” is used does not make it a need and it is up to the person offering help to assess this and offer accordingly. I use a little chart to help me and my clients know the difference: So the next time you offer help, maybe consider taking a closer look to see if your giving might be keeping another person from having to do the difficult but necessary work of growing, maturing, and developing throughout their entire lifespan. And if so, consider how to express your love and support in another way.
Last week we began looking at self-awareness so if you missed it, have a look at "Healthy People are Self-Aware, but not Self-Centered." Today I would like to offer 5 ways in which we can increase our self-awareness.
1. First, spend a little time thinking about yourself. Okay, I know that may sound self-centered, but Romans 12:3 tells us to do this. So to actually think about yourself requires that you actually think about yourself. That may seem obvious but what I have found is that many lovely Christians believe that it is self-centered and ungodly to think about themselves at all. So take the time needed to explore who or what is most important to you. What do you like and dislike? What makes you feel uncomfortable and what feels safe and healthy for you? And what makes you uniquely you? 2. As you think about yourself, identify areas of strengths as well as weaknesses. And observe that even in our maturity there are still the occasional situations that make us all feel like we are 9 years old again. So look not only at yourself in this moment but maybe take a look over the past year, the past decade or even go all the way back to your childhood. This long term view might give you an encouraging perspective on just how much you have changed. And this long term view might also bring to light some areas where you might be stuck, needing the helping hand of another because “No man is an island entire of itself.” Thank you John Donne for challenging each of us to see that needing others in our areas of weakness is not a failure but simply a sign that we are human. 3. Assess yourself with a sober judgment (Romans 12:3). And I absolutely love that the word sober is used here. Because I would rather get drunk on my good intentions or what I hope to someday become, rather than drink in the hard reality of what my speech and actions say to those around me. For we all struggle with what seems to be an innate desire to see ourselves better than we are. 4. As you seek awareness of yourself, be careful not to get caught in the trap of endless self-exploration by asking yourself why you do what you do. I often say to my clients “Go ahead and ask the ‘why’ question once and, if you don’t get an answer, move on to what you need to do to move forward to what you value.” Because it is easy to spend years looking at why without ever moving forward. Personally, I have watched days turn into weeks, weeks into years, and years into decades as I wait for specific insight to tackle some pesky habit or hold out hope that I am just one self-help book away from finding my breakthrough. But some of our struggles will not benefit from more time or more education; sometimes we just need to take thoughtful action. 5. So consider asking those that you trust for help. Let them know that you are looking to grow in awareness in a certain area. Most people who love you will tend to overlook your shortcomings so it might be helpful to avoid general statements like, “What don’t you like about me?” Instead, be specific and ask something like, “It seems like when I share my views in a group setting, others often change the subject and I can’t figure out why this happens, what am I not seeing about how I come across to others?” If you can ask questions from a genuine desire to learn then support is more easily offered from others.. How freeing it is to finally be able to take our masks off and allow ourselves to be human beings that are still making mistakes, still growing and still learning! One of my favorite moments as a counselor is when my clients drop their defenses long enough to see their vulnerable humanity for the first time. And when that happens I often say, “Welcome to being human.” And I mean it. Because I remember my first sight of it when I was 55 years old. And why do some people come to this understanding later than others? Because in their childhood it was necessary to become an expert in others while ignoring their developing self. Maybe you came out of childhood with a skill set of people-pleasing, perfectionism, mind-reading and learning how to do adult things way before you were developmentally ready. But you amazingly figured it out! And if you had the ability to do all of that you can certainly figure yourself out. It’s never too late! Healthy people are self-aware but not self-centered.
There's a big difference between the two. Self-centered people are, as the name says, the center of their world. They tend to be their own main topic of conversation, with a thought life that orbits around their own beliefs, opinions, and perspectives. It is often difficult to have a close relationship with people who are self-absorbed. After all, how can you form a relationship of “we” when the other person is only focused on the “me”? But as a counselor, I’ve had the advantage of exploring the inner worlds of the selfish and have found that their outward actions often cover a deep and hidden fear. This fear creates a gravitational pull, drawing them into themselves for a sense of stability. Rather than being free to trust and engage with the unpredictability of other people. Self-centered people choose the safety of their self-created world where they substitute building genuine relationships with others for the self-made security of pleasure, status, and power. On the other hand, people who are self-aware are motivated by a genuine curiosity to seek the truth and gain insight into themselves. They are not dominated by fear or shame, but are freed in their humility to see themselves as a person in process. And how do we get this self-awareness, dare you ask? We need to see ourselves, not as we wish to be seen, but as we truly are. And there are few ways to do this. One helpful way is to explore how others see us. Now, you may be thinking, “What’s wrong with our own view of ourselves?” or, “How could someone else offer a better perspective of me when they don’t know what I’ve been through?” And in a way you’re right. But our internal running narrative can also blind us to who we really are because it has the ability to excuse, edit, and justify what we say and do. It can allow our good intentions to rewrite conversations and justify unkind behavior to the point that we can be truly baffled by others’ responses. And how does this happen? Because everything that we say and do remains attached to our internal dialogue that others don’t get to hear. What they simply hear is what we say and compare it to what we do (minus the internal dialogue.) So how else can we be self-aware? Look for my next post where I’ll list 5 ways to improve our self-awareness. Are you emotionally healthy? If I asked you to define what it means to be emotionally healthy what would you say? Are you struggling to define it? Physical health seems so much easier to describe than emotional health. And maybe it’s because physical health has clearer parameters; with goals that are easier to measure and results that you can see. Whereas emotional health goes on in your thought life, hidden from the view of others and sometimes even hidden from ourselves. That’s why I thought I would spend the next few blogs going through some of the characteristics of what it means to be emotionally healthy.
So what does it actually mean to be emotionally healthy? If you didn’t grow up with emotionally healthy people you might not know. We may know what’s normal for us, but normal doesn’t necessarily mean healthy does it? I don’t ask this question to test your emotional IQ. I ask because if we don’t know what it means to be emotionally healthy, then we won’t know what to work toward. See, when it comes to setting goals in regards to emotional health, most of us have more clarity about what we want to stop doing rather than what we want to start doing. And don’t get me wrong, knowing what to stop is a good thing. But when we make a goal to stop something, we need to pair it with what we are going to start doing. For example, if I am going to stop eating junk food then what am I going to eat instead? What am I going to do when I am frustrated, lonely, or even bored? We can’t simply stop something without replacing it with something else. That’s just the way the brain works. Your brain needs you to get creative and curious; to be willing to think differently and to keep trying out new healthier alternatives until you find what works for you. And normally this will take time and normally it will feel uncomfortable. Which segues us nicely to the first characteristic of an emotionally healthy person. The first thing that I would want you to know about emotionally healthy people is that they allow themselves to be emotionally uncomfortable. (I can hear the groans!) No one likes to be emotionally uncomfortable - and this includes emotionally healthy people. And since emotional and physical pain are both registered in the same part of the brain, it is natural for us to want to get out of emotional pain as quickly as we would want to get out of physical pain. But emotionally healthy people use the discomfort as a motivator and they go by the “no pain to gain rule” even when it comes to emotional health. They approach emotional pain like physical pain, recognizing it as an indicator that something is wrong or that something unhealthy needs to be addressed. They will forgo choosing unhealthy strategies such as people-pleasing, ignoring the situation, numbing their body or distracting their minds to simply get immediate relief in the short run. Instead, they acknowledge the reality of the discomfort and allow themselves the time needed to figure out the situation, explore healthy options, and then choose a course of action that will bring health and healing in the long run. So next time you are in emotional pain maybe don’t be so quick to push it away. Maybe sit with it. Listen to what your uncomfortable emotions are trying to tell you. If you ignore the information and try to put a band-aid on it I’m here to tell you that won’t stop your brain from sending you these uncomfortable messages. And why won’t your brain stop sending them to you? Because your brain sees an even greater pain that either you don’t see or are unwilling to see. Either way, your brain wants you to face the issue and to choose the lesser pain now in order to avoid the greater pain that it sees in the future. “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” C.S. Lewis I recently read an article that says by the end of January only 64% of us will be sticking with their New Year’s resolution. (I actually think that's a pretty good percentage by the way). To the 64%, a big Yay for being able to create and maintain those new habits to support what you value. To the remaining 36%, a big Yay to you too for making a healthy goal and exploring the process of change.
Really, most of our New Year's resolutions, like eating healthier or getting more exercise, are not really goals to achieve but an entering into a lifelong process. And because it is a process, the change will be more circular than linear. Actually, when you think about it, what have you learned in a flawless linear fashion? Learning is a natural series of two steps forward, one step back, and another step sideways. But if you stick with it, eventually, you’ll ditch the counting and measuring of steps and instead focus on the small victories and the lessons learned. These ideas of all or nothing and linear change are not natural. Ever watch a child learn to walk? Please note 1.They are having fun. 2.They are not judging themselves. 3. They are not comparing themselves. 4. They don’t seem to mind face planting on the carpet after all everyone around them is cheering wildly. And 5. They’ll keep trying until they figure it out. Why? Because little children are experiencing what we have long forgotten: that mistakes are a natural part of all learning. The false ideas of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations have not yet creeped in and wreaked havoc with their belief systems. So maybe rethink your resolution and change it from a New Year’s Resolution to a New Year’s Process. And this time, have fun in the process. Try not to judge or compare yourself to others and embrace the “falls" as a way to listen to yourself and learn about what does and doesn't work for you as you journey into the process of change. “In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.” Abraham Maslow“ It's the new year and for some of us our New Year's resolutions are already starting to fade away. Change is hard; there's a lot that goes into it. But one small thing that I have found to be helpful in bringing consistent success with follow-through on a decision that I have made is to simply promote that decision to a rule.
Clayton Christensen, a Harvard Business School professor, rightly observed that “It's easier to hold your principles 100 percent of the time than it is to hold them 98 percent of the time.” When we create life rules we release ourselves from having to make the decision over and over again. We already have to make so many decisions in a day, why add another one? Also, when we make a personal rule, we move our decision making out of the control of our ever-fluctuating emotional state and instead, choose for ourselves ahead of time, a rule that aligns with our long term values. A personal rule not only helps your brain to argue with you less, it also helps other people to argue with you less. Imagine you are at a party and it is 9:00 pm and your friend puts a large plate of your favorite dessert in front of you. Instead of working through all the variables when you are already tired, you can simply go to your rule and say, “Thank you that looks delicious but I have a rule that I never eat past 8:00pm." The rule not only gives you clarity but it helps other people as well. People seem to find it easier to respect other people’s rules. Compare that with a no-rule reply of, “Thank you, that looks delicious I really shouldn’t.” The no-rule reply invites others to speak into your decision making process. They might say “But I made these just for you! I know they’re your favorite.” With a rule you get to keep all the decision making power to yourself. Rules simply help you when you are not in the state of making the best decision for yourself. The brain loves simplicity and clarity. Why spend time rehashing an old worn out conversation that you’ve had with yourself a million times. Why not create a rule that frees you up to have more interesting and life giving conversations with yourself and others? Happy New Year! When was the last time you celebrated a small achievement?
If you spend any time at all with children you will see that when they accomplish something they want, they naturally celebrate. Case in point, my daughter-in-law recently sent me a video showing my beautiful, bright-eyed, 2-year-old granddaughter completing a matching game. The “task” before her was to take each brightly colored rubber shape and match it to the corresponding picture. The video focuses on my granddaughter’s joyful concentration as she picks up the orange star and successfully matches it to the picture. After which she immediately looks up at her mother, while lifting her arms high above her head, and proclaims a victorious “YAY!” She then refocuses and moves her still baby-like hands to match up the yellow square to its picture. Once again, she looks to her mother and another victorious declaration erupts in which both mother and daughter laughingly enjoy the “Yay” together. The final step to victory is the placing of the blue rubber triangle onto its matching picture, which she does with one swift movement to complete the routine. And like an Olympic champion she once again raises her arms high in victory and takes in the cheering from the crowd (aka her mother.) As fun as it was to watch, I also saw another matching game going on. As my granddaughter experienced the natural God-given joy of learning, striving and achieving, my daughter-in-law matched her joy to her daughter’s joy. So in this simple game, my granddaughter learns far more than her shapes and colors: she is learning about herself. She learns that her internal joy of achieving each small task matches her mother's joy, thereby affirming that small steps are a glorious thing. She begins to gain confidence in her ever-growing abilities and learns to experience success as nothing more than a series of small yet achievable goals, and that each one is worth a moment of self-reflection and celebration. These small interactions of mother reflecting back to daughter are the building blocks of experience that will build my granddaughter’s self-beliefs and teach her about healthy self-confidence. But this is not just a social-emotional reaction, this is also a biochemical reaction. For what we can’t see in this video is my granddaughter’s growing brain receiving a release of the neurotransmitter dopamine with each little congratulatory reward that she receives not only from her mother but from herself. Each time she raises her arms in victory she is also raising her level of dopamine. And this dopamine is connected with her feeling of pleasure and helps to provide the motivation to continue to repeat these new learning behaviors. But what if my daughter-in-law, instead of celebrating with her, corrected her because the shapes did not perfectly align with the picture, or shamed her for her self-congratulatory behavior, or compared her to her older sibling, or told her that she needed to do it faster than she was able? There would be no dopamine. And over time, her fear of failure would override her natural ability to enjoy new things, and she would see failure as something to fear instead of just a normal part of learning. Somehow through the years, many of us have lost our ability to internally celebrate our small successes. Perhaps you were told that it is sinful to be pleased with your achievements. Maybe what you did accomplish was deemed not good enough or you were told you should have or could have done better. Or maybe the focus was shifted from all that you had accomplished to all that was still left to be done. Neuroscience research is showing us that in order to increase motivation and endurance we need to take hold of our little victories throughout the day and allow a steady release of dopamine which will help to increase our motivation so that we can make it through the often difficult and tedious things we need to endure in order to achieve our goals. From this research it is suggested that we make doable lists. A list that could be humanly achieved in a day. And as we cross off each item on the list, to take a brief moment to celebrate and receive our healthy dose of dopamine. See celebration is not just for the big events like when the book gets published or the PhD is completed. No, my granddaughter has it right. The rewards are to be frequent and daily for all the little things that we do that we are proud of. Look, no one is sitting around capturing your small victories in life (i.e. when you turn off Netflix to do the next small thing necessary to achieve your goal.) We all need to learn to be like my granddaughter and lift up our arms in victory for each small accomplishment, if not outwardly at least inwardly. Did you get your “Yay” today? If not, give it a try! I have met some people who believe that self-love is selfish.
Even though when Jesus was asked to identify the greatest commandment he said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, this is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-40) We are told to love our neighbor in the same manner that we love ourselves. No more, no less. Just to love them as we love ourselves. So what is love? Love isn’t so much a feeling as it is an action. Unfortunately, many of us learned to hear words proclaiming love without the actions to back it up. So, the measuring stick that I give to my clients is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” These verses are often read at weddings but are not limited to spousal love. And as we are called to love ourselves, these verses can be used as a helpful checklist for healthy, godly self-love. So ask yourself, are you patient with yourself? Are you kind to yourself? (And don’t think of spoiling and pampering here because the word kind actually means gentle.) So are you gentle with yourself? Are you grateful and able to enjoy all that you have been given without needing to make others aware? Are you able to accept that you are of great worth without having to dishonor or lower someone else in the process? Are you still looking for yourself or have you found yourself in God’s love? Do you get angry at yourself or do you learn and grow from your mistakes? Is your mind filled with that which is good and brings joy and health to your body? Do you seek the truth for yourself, including the truth about who you are? God knows that we cannot give to others what we have not received. So God gives us his love. From that source of God-love there is no such thing as selfish or self-seeking love. If love appears selfish then it is not love, it is something else. Because love in its very nature is not selfish; love is abundant and extravagant. And it is out of this abundance that we receive and then can joyfully and freely give the overflow to others. As I reflect back on my life I have to admit that so much of my “loving” another was actually motivated by a deep need to be loved and admired by others. My loving was not out of having received an abundance of love but my “loving “ was an attempt to get the love that I was actually missing. God doesn’t ask us to give what we don’t have; he wants us to first and foremost receive and experience His great love for ourselves and find healing. And then, in knowing that we are loved, our striving ceases and our hearts are open to freely receive and then freely give out of the abundance that we have been given. Sometimes it is difficult to identify when we are being abused or even more difficult to wrap our minds around the thought that someone who is supposed to love us and care for us could possibly be abusing us. Those who grew up in abusive environments have a particularly difficult time seeing abuse for what it is because it was normalized for them or, even worse, twisted to be seen as loving or kind.
Abuse comes from the Latin word ABUSUS which means to misuse, use up, or consume. And that is truly what abuse can feel like. It feels like we are an object that is consumable and we often feel used up, feeling like there is nothing left of ourselves. We all have used another for our own personal gain. We use people for their connections to help us get a job, or for their wisdom and insight, or simply to give us directions when we are lost. Babies are the biggest users of all because they can do nothing for themselves and need others to give to them. But no one would say that a baby is being abusive! So what is the difference between healthy using and unhealthy abusing? The healthy “using” of someone entails that the person being used is aware of it and is willing to offer help or assistance of their own free will. It can be as simple as asking someone for help and being honest about what you are hoping to gain from them. For example I might come up to you and say, “I know that you have a relationship with someone who could help me get a job. Would you be willing to put in a good word for me?” or, “I see that you have some extra time this week, would you be willing to help me with a project?” The healthy person recognizes what is theirs and what is not theirs and asks if the other person would be willing to give and share of their own free accord. It is not taken by force, generosity is not assumed, there are no threats, bullying, intimidation or shame: just a clear honest non-manipulative request. Healthy using does not take anything away from another person that they don’t want to give. In fact, it often gives the giver a sense of satisfaction in being able to help another. Abuse is different. It is the opposite and often difficult to detect especially when it is coming from someone you love. But I have found 2 common traits of abusers that help me to spot them. Those two traits are blame and shame. Abusers are skillful at using both blame and shame to manipulate others to give them what they want. If you have ever tried to have an abuser take responsibility for their part of the problem, you have probably experienced the blame being quickly shifted back onto you. It is often done with a blaming question like “How could you think this of me?” or “How dare you question me when you are the one doing….?” or some other version of trying to pin all the fault on you. Rarely, if ever, do abusers take ownership of their fault in a situation. And if they do take any blame, it rarely brings about long-lasting change. They continue on in their behavior hoping that the cheap words of saying that they are sorry will be enough to satisfy you and to make you think all is well and that everything can and should go back to normal. It costs them nothing and leaves you bearing all the cost. Biblically speaking, saying that you are sorry without change is not repentance and if habitually used, can be a form of manipulation. The abuser is simply trying to get you to change your view or position so that they can remain in their wrongdoing. The other thing that abusers do is to attempt to shame you. They want you to feel bad that your use of healthy boundaries and self-ownership has actually made them feel bad. They want you to believe that you are not allowed to exercise sound judgment nor hold a differing opinion or view other than theirs. Abusers tend to not only want to control what you do but also control what you think, feel, and believe about yourself and others. In essence, they don’t want you to be able to trust your own thinking, your own emotions, and how you feel in your own body. What you have to remember is your thoughts, your feelings, your body, your work, and your belongings are yours. And by using healthy boundaries you are letting abusers know that no one else has the right to your personhood through threats and manipulation. It is best not to go unprepared into the presence of a manipulator, unhealthy user, or an abuser. Your best defense is to think through and allow the reality of past behavior to predict present behavior. So many of my clients hope that, “this time it will be different.” They hear words of intent to change and assume that it signals real change, when real change can only be tested by watching behaviors over a long period of time. Unfortunately, hope not based in reality becomes the enemy. Maybe we should call it wishing instead. Wishing ignores the reality of what is and negates the humility and hard work that is necessary for true and lasting change. So when I am with a person that I do not trust I say to myself, “I am assuming that this person is most likely trying to manipulate me,” and then I listen to what they say and I watch what they do. I use this phrase to help my brain to look through the fog of deception to see the reality. I also use this phrase to help my tendency to hope that people can and will change and instead look through the lens of reality and allow my healthy boundaries to keep the good in and the bad out. My daughter sent me a video of my precious 8 month old grandson being held by a sink, reaching out to hold on to the water rushing out of the faucet. He couldn't figure it out. His eyes saw a column of water that looked like something he could hold on to. But when he touched the column, to his amazement, his hands went right through it. It was not a column at all! Baffled, he looked to his parents, saw their smiles, and heard their laughter, so with his curious brain and beautiful fat baby hands he tried again. After only a few attempts his little brain learned that this sparkling column was not what it looked like. He would not be able to grab onto it and hold it like he thought. His confusion, his not knowing, his desire to hold onto this beautiful column of sparkling colors did not stop him from experiencing it. He was not frustrated or angry that he could not hold onto it. He simply switched over to enjoying and playing in the water as it was, not as he thought it should be.
What caught my attention was not just how absolutely adorable my grandson is, but the developmental stage of learning that he is in. And I also thought about my developmental stage of learning. I am 60 years old, still learning, still growing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It seems like just yesterday that I was the young mother holding my child at the sink letting her do the exact same thing. Delighting in watching her try to hold on to something that she was not able to hold on to. And deep within my heart I realize that I am doing the same. Trying to hold on to life as it is quickly passing through my fingers. Life looks so concrete: I live in a house, I have certain possessions, I have a body. And yet all of it is changing, aging. It is not staying the same although it looks like it should. And when I grab to hold onto life it keeps on moving. I have lived so much of my life in fear. Fear of losing, fear of failure, fear of the future. And this fear has created a habit of trying to hold on to things, hoping to freeze and capture these beautiful moments and not let them pass. But I am reminded by my grandson that, like him, I need not fear. I too can remain curious, playful, and present in this moment enjoying things as they are. Because when I look to my heavenly father, I see his delight in watching my development. Because he is holding me safely, I can enjoy the discovery and surprises of my life without trying to hold onto them. This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24) |
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